A Matter of Perspective
Late last week, I almost met the worst version of myself but stopped just short of letting myself ‘go there. I’m quite proud of this accomplishment and want to tell you about it.
The specific details aren’t important but suffice to say, I delivered a communication based on my own filter and what I said didn’t sit well with someone else, based on their filter, and they did not hesitant to let me know where I’d gone wrong.
I didn’t agree with their statements and respectfully defended my position. I enlisted all the methods I encourage in others when offering guidance (HR Manager hat – on), affirming that I heard their concerns and that I would consider their perspective when writing in our shared realm in the future.
But I never said I was wrong, or that they were right.
That’s when things took a turn for the worse, and by the end of the day had deteriorated into an ugly mess, unfortunately dragging others into the fray. The pivotal point in keeping my composure came from a single phrase I said to someone involved in incident.
I remarked that the other party ‘doesn’t want to meet that version of me’, referring to my curated business persona, honed by years of corporate verbal sparring.
I realized I didn’t want to meet that version of me again either. There was no reason for it and I left that person firmly in my history, rather than resurrecting her into the present.
I’ve always said that I match energy. Which version of me you know depends on you. But maybe it’s more than just matching energy. Maybe, almost certainly, I’m mirroring behaviors. I’m becoming a copy of the person with whom I’m having the encounter. If that’s true, then why wouldn’t I choose to behave like myself instead?
Honestly, I don’t know anything about the life of the person who confronted me last week. They don’t factor into my world in the slightest. It’s easy for me to avoid them in the future and if I can’t, then I’ll walk away. It’s not worth sacrificing my peace.
This situation was further complicated by the skill required in written communication to infer the comprehension of nuance. The other person was lacking in this area and as is the case with any form, be it written or verbal, the ability to communicate clearly is futile if the other person doesn’t have a level of understanding about the world outside of their own filter.
I’ve recently taken part in a couple of focus groups, where we were shown a photo or video and asked to give our opinion on various aspects of what we saw. Listening to the rest of the group was fascinating, not just because our different perspectives, but also because of how keen we were for someone to agree with our belief. Ironic, since the point of these groups is to gather a cross section of opinions on a single target. The researchers do an amazing job and I’ve enjoyed being part of a panel without having any skin in the game.
Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book, ‘The Four Agreements’, that we should not take anything personally. We are all working from our own perspective, based on our own unique experiences. Any reaction to something we say or do is not about us. It’s about the person expressing the reaction.
Like the other three agreements, this is deceptively simple. Meaning it’s not easy but reaching a level of competency with this skill makes navigating the myriad personalities who cross our path, each with their own perception of our actions, much easier. If you haven’t read The Four Agreements, I’ll include a link to this powerful and profound little book here:
The Four Agreements — don Miguel Ruiz
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