Believing In My Convictions

Maybe it’s the season of the year, or maybe it’s the season of my life, but I’ve been pondering the concepts of belief and conviction; specifically, how they relate to faith. I’m not having a crisis of faith or anything like that (which would be impossible, I don’t work on faith in the conventional sense), but I have been examining what I profess to believe. And what I don’t believe. At this point I feel very much like a spiritual atheist. I’ve been here before and it’s my comfort zone, but I crave the beauty and community a tradition provides.

The thing about spiritual belief is that the experience is solitary, even as part of a group. There’s no way to validate the difference between proof, and unverified personal gnosis. And isn’t belief without substantiation, simply faith? Faith seems like the easy choice. It requires no work. No investigation. No curiosity. No intelligent conversation.

Or so I’ve always thought. I’ve spent the past several weeks revisiting the tenets of the Catholic faith. The religion of my family and my childhood. I love cathedrals and the energy of the Mass. After all this time I can still recite most of the prayers verbatim, although my youthful faith in them has long since dissipated. I find myself at a spiritual crossroads at which the Catholic Church has appeared in the intersection between my Daoist lineage, my Cabot Tradition, in the form of the Holy Celtic Church International.

Let me connect the dots. I’m ordained through the Daoist lineage of the Dragon Gate. I am also a priestesses in the Cabot Tradition which is steeped in the Celtic lore of dragons and Avalon. The Charism of the Holy Celtic Church is liberal Catholicism, heavily influenced by Celtic spirituality and esotericism, and the folklore of Avalon. At the end of his life, my Daoist abbot was a knight in the Holy Celtic Order of the Temple, a part of the Holy Celtic Church. We discussed some of the facets of this particular theology, but in true Lao fashion, he kept his motivation for this spiritual endeavor to himself and I didn’t press for more because I had no interest in revisiting the Catholic faith. Even so, the old temptation of discovering the secrets of the elusive ‘mysteries’ held tight by the Church resurfaced.

It felt like I’d come full circle, and that this area of study would be a perfect fit if it weren’t for all that “Catholic stuff”. While I wonder how Lao was able to reconcile the basis of the two belief systems of Daoism and Catholicism, he was a true mystic who devoted his life to a broad spectrum of spiritual study. He neither credited, nor discounted any spiritual practice without firsthand experience and his example taught me to look for the similarities, not the differences.

The theory of Liberal Catholicism is intriguing, but the reality appears unsurprisingly disappointing. Women still cannot serve as clergy. This is a big one for me, not because I’m interested in ordination, but because it means spiritual gatekeeping is still firmly in place and women are to remain in theirs.  And while I don’t entirely disagree with many of the Church’s moral viewpoints, I still find them too ‘black and white’ to be relatable in the modern world. The first rule of Daoism is ‘maybe’, for good reason.

I’ve also explored some excellent contemporary Catholic resources that were recommended by someone on a similar (ish) path, whose opinion I‘ve come to respect. Very much in the way of the ‘thinking Catholic’ environment of my youth, these reasonable points of reference and discussions confirmed what I’d concluded years ago. I appreciate and find characteristics of the Catholic faith beautiful and moving, but I just don’t buy in to the paradigm. I drew a similar conclusion about paganism. It’s the notion of deity that stumps me.

While this exploration piqued my interest and curiosity, I still can’t reconcile myself with the teachings of the Catholic faith. A small part of me wishes the alignment could be simple. I want to find the answers to questions I did not yet know. I want to discover the new secret to life, the universe, and everything.

I want the hit of spiritual dopamine I hadn’t experienced in a while and on some level, I got it. The difference this time is that I realize the process for what it is. Gathering and processing information, then logically applying the knowledge to my own spiritual practice, while appreciating both the differences and similarities between two (or more) esoteric paths.

There are no coincidences (or else they come in droves), and the Holy Celtic Church is parked in my intersection for a reason. I’ve sent an inquiry asking if the bishop would be willing to talk with me, given my distinct non-believer status. If this road of exploration is meant for me, it won’t pass me by. From what I understand, the bishop considers himself both pagan and Christian. I am committed to neither, so the conversation will either be very short, very interesting, or both.

Lao would repeatedly ask: ‘do you believe what you say you believe’. By working out what I don’t believe, I can honestly say that yes, I do, and I am not just phoning it in. I also know that I don’t know what I don’t know. And there’s only one way to find out what I don’t know. Faith may be an aspect of belief, but it requires work, as well as conviction. The people I admire most demonstrate a level of authenticity in their beliefs I have never been able to reach.

Byron Ballard is just one example. I joined her dark moon ritual this evening which is unlike any other work of this type I’ve ever done. It’s raw and real, grounding and tangible. I don’t know how she draws energy the way she does, but she is a stellar example of what I want to cultivate within myself. have several of her books and should revisit her thoughts and words. She has done, and continues to do, the work. Her work. I need to figure out my own.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Kybalion study group meeting this week and must catch up on my homework. The spiritual abyss isn’t going to feed itself.

If you would like to know more about my ancestral connection work, my Daoist path, or my other offerings such as tarot readings, spiritual guidance and mindset coaching, you can find more detailed information by using the drop-down menu on my website: The Mystic’s Parlour (the-mystics-parlour.ghost.io)

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